Some days are better than others

There are days that the world seems dark, and grey cloud seem to follow us where ever we go, but if we take the time to look up we might realize the sun is out and there are no clouds in site. I am lucky to have a great support system, I am grateful to those who remind me to look up and not down.
Thank you, I love you all very much.

Here is an exchange of emails this morning between my friend Heather and I (whom i've known since
I was 5)  :

Heather:

Hey
How is your morning going? Did you post anything new on your blog since yesterday? It’s good. I want to read what is next.

Me: (...here's where it gets not so rainbow and lollipops...)

Hey!

I have not posted anything on my blog since yesterday. I am debating what to write to tell you the truth. Last night I was going to do my workout then I had a crazy panic attack..it took everything out of me to not think I was going to fall over and die. So I am embarrassed to write today....AS WELL we have to go grocery shopping  so I have to buy my breakfast and lunch at work which I said I was not going to do..i just feel like a huge failure. So I am debating what to write..should i just write what i just told you. I woke up in a semi good mood, but as i walked to work I became angry with life....so now I am in a foul mood and just want to go to the gym to release steam. I feel like that crotchy woman who sits in the corner and snarls at people walking by...lol

Heather:

I say be true to this blog. You started it and not every day is going to be sunshine and lollypops. You wanted to share your weight loss and this is a huge part of weight loss. Every person out there is going to be able to relate to having something come in the way of best intentions. They  might not  have panic attacks but they might have something else that is just as debilitating to them.


............

So that was my night in a nutshell. I am proud that I have gone to the gym every day at work. That is a step in the right direction. But that is my cycle, I take a step in the right direction but I never seem to take leaps and bounds. I was about to write today that I would eliminate the 20 minutes at home, but doing the 20 minutes is all part of the process, it's about doing something even though you don't want to.
My mother once told me, don't own the panic attacks, when you own them they become you. I wish to cut ties with the panic attacks, that is why I am going to the gym every day, I want to be more than just existing I want to live and wake up happy and content with life. I once read a quote that said

 

The type of person I want to meet in this world will be artistic, philosophical, funny, caring, spiritual, family oriented, silently strong minded, determined....These qualities and more is the type of person I would like to meet on the street, have in my circle of friends acquaintances . I would like to BE these things.

So at 12:45 I will go to the gym and do my workout. I'll update my blog once I return from the gym

.........

My workout was great! 20 minutes on the elliptical, weights (legs) and sit ups. The whole time I was working out I watched the time go by, 1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes....all that went through my mind 17 minutes left..you can do it...I workout impatiently waiting for the sweat to start dripping down my face to indicate I'm working out with a vengeance. Then I realize...as I wish away the minutes I am wishing away moments in my life. What am I in a rush for? I need to be in the moment. The sweat now coming down I find reasons to love the moment..that lasted for a few minutes then I quickly jumped off to do my weights and as quickly as I entered the gym I was out and ready to go back to work. Another workout under my belt. I have a salad roll and orange for lunch and I plan on making a green tea in the later part of the afternoon. Back to work!

Stay tuned, when I get home I will stepping on the scale to see if my numbers are down....
was 164.5     now 162.5